Erinle On Interracial Dating

The debate on interracial dating is one that is never ending. Everyone has their opinion. Is it right? Is it wrong? Just what should children of Orisa think of such relationships? Whether one makes the conscious choice to develop relationships outside his or her racial profile is a very personal choice that should be made with extreme diligence and scrutiny. The choice to participate in interracial dating is not a choice that should go without very thoughtful examination. Unfortunately, more often than not, people enter into the extra racial arrangement without much thought at all.

Choosing someone to be a mate can be “the” most significant event in ones life. Supposedly, this is the one person who is going to be your lover, partner, friend, co-pilot, and co-worker through the rest of your lives. It is important that people realize that you will undoubtedly need to be able to be fully supported by this person as well as be able to reciprocate and give support fully to this person. This is why the choice for a partner becomes so muddled when speaking in terms of interracial love. How can you be supported or supportive when things such as racism and the historical pain inflicted by one race upon another starts to permeate into your relationship? How can you expect to fully engage into this ultimate partnership when there is always the underlying racial superiority and inferiority complexes that unfortunately are ingrained in all humans black, white, brown, or whatever the case may be?

The problem with partnering outside ones race is that no matter what is said or done, neither person can relate fully to the experiences of the other. People constantly invoke words of consideration that if they truly love one another they will inevitably withstand any of the pressures of the world. But is this truly the case? For example: How can a man come home to his woman and explain the pain that was inflicted upon him by people of her race and expect that she will truthfully do her best to comprehend the experience from her man’s perspective. She can be empathetic or sympathetic but the experience is his alone, she can not fully share or appreciate. This is not to say that just because someone who should be able to share your experiences that it automatically makes them a better choice. But, it should make the choice an easier one. You can put this scenario on either side of the gender or racial coin and the application will be the same. Not only are the chances greater that someone of another race may not fully understand our experiences, but it stands to good reason that it would also cause some irritation, especially if it is race related.

Finding a mate should be based on more practical considerations than the color of one’s skin. But unfortunately, most people who make the choice to develop an interracial relationship were considering only one factor and that is the skin color of their potential mate while the character of the person would be their last consideration. Why is this taking place? Simply put, in most cases someone is trying to escape the pain, monotony, and/or fear that is associated with their own race. Most people will deny this of course. But when searching for a mate, would not the best place to find one be among people who are familiar with family or close friends of the family?

It is understood that with this integrated society, races are mixed up and almost everything is made convoluted and much more complex than necessary. But with few exceptions, your family is still pretty much the same race as yourself. Not so in all cases; adoption would be one such exclusion. But people should always remember that before the pressures and influences of the world enter into the picture, a child always has an affinity for things like themselves. Over the years other people will do and say many things that will eventually change the perspective of the child. Such a condition will lead to people searching for relationships outside of their natural attraction. I refer to this as searching for love abroad.

Finding Love for Orisa Worshippers

For the average single individual finding love in everyday life is hard enough. Add the fact that some Orisa worshippers would like to narrow their odds even further by focusing on finding someone else within the Orisa community. It may seem daunting but actually it isn’t as hard as one might think.

First things first, what is it that makes someone want to isolate their love interest to someone else of the Orisa worshipping community? The answer is probably that one may believe it would be easier to connect with someone who shares the same religious belief or ideology. What could be better than sharing one of the most important things in one’s life with a new love? Here are some tips for getting to know other singles in the Orisa community.

Networking – What is meant by networking is for people in an ile to get out and around to meeting with people from other iles. This way one can get an idea for the quality of the singles that are around the area. Unfortunately there are some iles that have rules and protocols for contacting other Orisa people. Make sure to follow the ile house rules. However, this is also a great way to expand your knowledge of Orisa and ancestors by exchanging information with people from the other iles. This is also a great way to keep the Orisa community strong and connected.

Matchmakers – One of the oldest means in the book on finding a mate is by letting elders in the family, the community, or from the ile find matches for you. This is a great way to meet a lot of singles even if they are not the right one. And who knows, a single who may not be the right one may know other singles and one of these could be the right one.

Internet – This is a new way of not just finding love but meeting people in general and it should not be discounted. You can meet a lot of people who match your wants, needs and desires. American society has stereotyped internet dating as the last resort for the desperate and nerdy geeks. But there should be no stigma about finding love this way. In today’s fast paced, globally oriented society, a good match may not live in your area, especially if one is looking for someone in Ifa.

Finding a mate who may not be interested in Ifa – By concentrating only on people within the Orisa community one can limit their chances of finding a suitable mate considerably. All the information listed previously isn’t meant to advocate someone narrowing their search only to the children of Ifa. It is much wiser to widen your search to all potentials within ones criteria. But if this is what you’re truly looking to do then your search will probably be a little longer and a little more arduous.

Regardless of the process one may choose to use to find their mate there an important question to ask is what is the attraction? What do people find attractive in a potential mate? In its purest form a child is drawn to what they are naturally attracted to. People usually follow their natural attraction throughout their life. When people get older and their environment starts to change, society starts applying pressure in order to influence what people define as beautiful. However if the individual remains true to themselves they will learn that their true, childhood attraction will always remain.

How does one determines their true core attractions? An individual must learn to stay in tune with themselves. Denial of truly natural attractions can very well lead to a life of unhappiness and a life filled with a number of different partners. A lot of people cave to what society tells them is the type of person they should be attracted to. And a lot of people end up unhappy in their relationships and marriages. The people look like they should be happy but their not. But then there are couples where people may not understand the attraction. But it doesn’t matter because their attraction isn’t for everyone to understand. All that matters is that they understand each other.

Finding Mr. and Ms. Right

Finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, is it possible? How do we know if soul mates exist; if they do are they preordained or self made? These are questions that have plagued people for as long as couples have existed. It is inevitable that one starts to reflect on relationships as they become older and wiser, hoping for the one that they will grow old with. It’s a fact that no one relishes the thought of becoming that lonely old person who is bitter about life due to the reality of having no love to share.

The human animal was made to couple; if you care to look or think about it; people are consumed with finding a mate as soon as puberty sets in. I can say that the idea of soul mates does exist.

What is a Soul Mate? Finding someone that you can talk about anything and everything with, the conversations just never have an ending they blend into other conversations. You have so much in common that you could swear that this person might be an opposite sex mirror image. You sit in silence with this person and things are as comfortable as if you were engaged in conversation.

Love at first sight which can happen but is rare and does not make soul mates. Love is not blind but love is also not so shallow that it has to hinge on sight alone. Soul mates are preordained and self made. Preordained soul mates are created when they have a symbiotic path and have goals to complete as a couple. Most couples create soul mates for themselves, by creating a relationship that serves both persons needs and expectations. Which brings us to just how one knows when that one in a gazillion has crossed our love starved path. First of all we must be centered enough to know ourselves and what it is that we are looking for in the opposite/same sex (yes, people of same sex relations have the same issues). I don’t mean brown eyes, long/short hair etc. etc. I mean do we share similar interests, upbringing, likes, dislikes. These are the true assessments as to whether one will be able to stand the test of time. Let’s look at how one goes about getting to this one in a gazillion. To start with we all have to learn what we are looking for so let’s look at relationships (just remember that you have to throw in a test line before you know if the fish are biting).

Opposites: Finding that you are madly in love with someone who has little in common with you is a frequent occurrence. Think closely on opposite attraction relationships, what is it that is going to be the glue to make it long lasting? You have separate interest, which means that you really have separate lives plus a life together. This is a recipe for disaster in the long run as you have too many lives competing with one another for attention. After the novelty of this hot fiery, passionate attraction wanes what is it that you have to look forward to? You end up with two people who might live together and that is about it. Hi and bye become the only conversation in the home. Since you have nothing to share between you what is that keeps each others eyes from wandering to that new flame, nothing.

One sided: Falling head over heals for someone who does not have the same intentions about you. This is a disaster from the word go. You lavish all your love and energy on a person who at best isn’t using you but just likes your adoration. This relationship usually ends up in pain and humiliation, which inevitably leads to retaliation. We can see what this relationship has to offer, nothing as well. The one thing about this situation is to be careful about how far or deep you are willing to travel. Becoming intimate or giving money will only exacerbate the problems in this horrible nightmare.

Fatal attraction: You’re in love and so is he/she but then they become so obsessed with controlling things they may become abusive and that will inevitably drive you away (hopefully). This relationship is a direct cause of going too far in another of the failed relationships one too many times. When a person has been on the used and abused side too often they tend to find they need to control and protect themselves via becoming overzealous with insecurities. We are all insecure from time to time but this person’s insecurity is overkill. Your best advice is nipping this in the bud as soon as it becomes apparent. Do not waste time thinking about how great they were in the beginning and that you can help them go back to that person. You can’t and the longer you stay the worse it will be.

Unfaithful: When I talk about unfaithful, I don’t mean the one time “it was an accident” type. I mean the chronic cheater, a person who is always cheating or in the process of trying to cheat. This person is afraid of committing and should not be looked at as a possible long term mate. This person is self centered and is never concerned with your heart. You can’t change them nor should you try and live with this type of behavior. As good as this person may seem to treat you or as sweet as the words are you should not be swayed into this type of relationship. What could this type of relationship have to offer, nothing of course. Definitely end this relationship as soon as the first two infidelities. The longer you stay here the lower your self worth and happiness.

Nightmare: The nightmare is a relationship that starts out beautifully. You both might seem to have things in common, but it all goes south one day. This is the relationship that goes bad and for no rhyme or reason. That is to say this relationship is just not for either of you.

All dead end relationships will inevitably have one or more of these components in various degrees. They can feel so right in the beginning but if they don’t stay that way for any consistent amount of time you can pretty much add it up to experience. Now let’s take a look at what you should be looking for in the relationship that you would like with your soul mate.

In order to find your correct soul mate you need to follow a few rules.

Open: You need to be open and honest about what it is that you want and expect from this person. Share and allow them to share with you.

Acceptance: Being accepting of the other person and all their flaws. No one is perfect and neither are you, so it is important to be tolerant of their faults and vice versa.

Trust: Be willing to give your full trust to this person, as a relationship is only as strong as its trust value. If you can’t trust the person the relationship is doomed to fail. If you have trust issues having your soul mate will help you overcome this problem, as you should feel compelled to trust this individual.

Love: Must be willing to love unconditionally. Most relationships are built with conditions; I will love you if… Or I love you but… You have to feel that you can give your love without exception. If you don’t feel this way then you are probably not dealing with your soul mate.

Sex: Don’t believe the hype; size, length of time does not matter (sorry Viagra). What does matter is that this sex fulfills everything for both of you. If you are left wanting then talk it over with your partner. They should be willing to listen and help work through any problems. Sex is not a make or break for any relationship, as some of the worst relationships can produce some of the best sex, that doesn’t mean this person is your soul mate. As long as you are both willing to work together to get to the good stuff; shows that you have trust and acceptance.

Disagreement: You should be able to disagree and move on. This should not be a point of contention for the two of you. If you can’t disagree with this person and still be on good terms, you might want to work harder on your relationship or this might not be the one.

Common interest: You should have enough in common that you always have things to do or talk about with each other. You should have one life not separate lives. This is important as you will spend the majority of your time with this person, it should be enjoyable.

These are just a few of the important things that you should be looking for when trying to ascertain if this person is your soul mate. Being in any relationship is hard work even with your soul mate. Nothing is easy and that is a fallacy that many people have, that you will find your soul mate then you can stop working at relationships because this one will be so natural everything will fall in place. This is not true, ALL relationships need work even the best soul mate coupling needs work. Don’t think that just because your relationship is great that you don’t need to talk out things with a second party like a counselor or someone else. Continuously working hard to make the relationship good is what keeps it good. If you have problems with your relationship just ask Erinle.

Dealing with the Stubborn Personality

A stubborn individual is usually one who has decided not to learn anything new. “I’ve been doing it this way for x number of years and I don’t see any reason to change now.” It is helpful to remember that when dealing with this discontented personality that this individual is afraid that you might want to change something that they are deeply attached to. This person may actually be expressing a fear that you are trying to be too controlling for them. Give them the extra time to adjust to changes and do your best not to surprise them. Never make sudden demands and make sure to give them some options and choices. Be casual, and calm in your approach with them. Let them give input on issues, rather than telling them what to do.

Dealing with the Bitter Personality

These people resent other people’s opinions, especially when it relates to how they perform their job. You may have heard this type of individual say something akin to, “Who the hell they think they are?” This person may feel that they do their task best. Get them to contribute and keep them involved without letting them control. They may then feel they are representing their knowledge and should be more cooperative.

Dealing with the Bigheaded Personality

The bigheaded person has something to say about any and everything. This person is known to say something like, “me, me, me, me, it’s all about me.” This behavior is a form of greed and arrogance. These people have a problem listening to anyone but themselves. When dealing with the bigheaded person deal with facts and don’t fight with them on points. If you need to point out bad information, do it in the form of straightforward questions.

Dealing with the Spiteful Personality

The spiteful person has a distorted judgment of others. This person is basically envious and jealous of others. When dealing with this individual explain yourself thoroughly. Never lower yourself to their level. Try and deal with this person in an upbeat manner not giving them reason for spite or jealousy.

Dealing with the Chatty Personality

What doesn’t this person say? When does this personality type pass on an opportunity to add their two cents? The chatty person is one who feels they need to fill every empty second with sound. They are usually uncomfortable with any type of silence even when alone. To deal with this person you should scale down on open ended questions. Sometimes it can be beneficial to cut the person off, in a not too rude fashion. Above all be firm but loving.

Dealing with the Indecisive Personality

This type of person will take hours to make decisions and eventually will simply agree with prevailing opinion. This person is feeling insecure and doesn’t trust themselves. Give this person your trust. Let them know that you trust their abilities. This will give them the opportunity to trust themselves more. Try not to chastise or humiliate them, be as supportive as possible.

Dealing with the Controversial Personality

The confrontational person is always on the defensive just waiting to be attacked. You can imagine this person putting a sneer on their face and pulling a Robert De Niro impersonation and saying, “are you talking to me?” When dealing with this person never lose your composure. Keep in mind that any negative statements will be interpreted as an attack, so try and word any negative statements in a way that packs less of a sting. Sometimes there is no way around a negative comment, when this arises just be sure not to engage this person in an argument. Try and stay neutral, not negative.